Where are you Christmas? Why can't I find you?

A Hallmark commercial came on the TV today and it made me sad. It was a Christmas commercial with parents and their small daughter and the young mother's mom had mailed her all of her old Christmas ornaments to them. It made me remember just how much I missed the warm, happy Christmases my family had before the divorce. I miss going Christmas tree shopping and feeling the cold, sticky sap between my fingers and mom and dad bickering over which tree would look the best in our house. I miss mom playing Christmas music and lighting candles and forcing us to sit and watch all the Christmas movies that would come on the tv. I used to get so mad when she'd make us sit and watch them, but I never knew that I'd miss those memories so badly. I miss her making hot chocolate and drinking eggnog with us. I miss her taking me surprise Christmas shopping around Columbus and us sneaking to go see a movie and not telling my sisters when I got home. I miss riding in that God awful green van of ours all around Columbus scoping out Christmas lights. I miss my mom shouting, "Christmas lights momma's side! Christmas lights daddy's side!" and all of us breaking our necks to see the lights that had mom so excited and dad laughing so hard. I miss waking up at 3 in the morning, waking my sisters up and dashing into the living room to see just what Santa had brought for us. I miss wondering why dad was sleeping on the couch and wondering if he and Santa had talked about stuff while he unloaded his sleigh. I miss staring in awe at the cookie crumbs on the plate and the half empty glass of milk thinking to myself, "WOAH! Santa drank from this cup... he ate OUR cookies.. this is so exciting!" I miss buying "reindeer food" and throwing it on our deck and on the roof and hoping it was enough food for the reindeer to share. I miss mom dressing us up in Christmas outfits and going to dad's business Christmas parties. I miss decorating our tree. I miss the Christmas countdown calender we had that granny gave to us and every day we took turns on who would move the star to the current day. I miss sitting with my sisters all bundled up in our room trying to go to sleep but not being able to because we were so excited as to what Santa might bring. I miss staying up all night and jumping out of bed the second I thought I heard sleigh bells. I miss keeping my blinds open in my room and falling asleep to the pear tree dad put lights on in our front yard; it reminded me of what it'd be like living in a city. I miss the together feeling. I miss mom making pigs in a blanket with mustard for us each morning while we unwrapped our presents. I miss mom and dad. I miss our family and how close we used to be. I miss Christmas. Christmas just isn't the same anymore. I miss Christmas decorations. I miss the joy and happiness it used to bring me. I feel so sad here... There are no decorations, no lights, no tree, no music, no scented candles, no eggnog, no love, no communication... I miss everything. It breaks my heart because this holiday meant so much to me.
One day when I have my own family I know I will hold these traditions I had close to heart and use them then. One day when I have my own home I will decorate it with a real tree, lights, decorations, and scented candles. One day I will make my family hot chocolate with tiny marshmallows and eggnog with a little nutmeg on top. One day I will make pigs in the blanket with mustard and we can eat those while seeing what Santa decided to bring my family. One day I will take Audrey out to go sneaky Christmas shopping around our current town and sneak her to the movies and we won't tell her younger siblings because it'd be our little secret! One day I hope to go riding in a car with my family and be the one to call out, "Christmas lights momma's side! Christmas lights daddy's side!" and laugh at my kids breaking their necks to see these awesome lights... but we won't be in an ugly van, we'll be in my cute Honda Accord with polka dotted back lights! One day I hope to go Christmas tree shopping with my significant other and our crazed off springs and ponder over which tree would look the best in our house. One day I will set gifts out with my hubby and both wear Santa hats and laugh at one another, but then tell each other to hush before we wake the kids. One day we will eat those cookies and drink the milk our kids left out for "Santa" and laugh and tell each other how much we love each other and can't wait to see what the kid's reactions will be. One day I will be the one who is attacked by jumping kids in the morning saying, "He came! He came! Santa came and left us presents!!" and groan and roll over and try to get some more sleep but only realize that that idea is pointless because the kids won't leave until we are up. One day I will smile at my hubby as we watch our kids ooohh and ahh over what gifts they have and feel so happy and at home. One day I will force my kids to watch those cheesy stop-motion movies my mom used to watch and let them know that one day this will mean a lot to them and for them to remember and cherish everything. One day I hope to play Christmas music all throughout my house and dance around while decorating the house with Christmas themed items. One day...