still you push away.

I'm sitting on my bed having the worst stomach cramps ever. The first season finale of America's Next Top Model is on and I always loooove to watch it. Fashion is one of my ultimate passions in life and seeing them shoot photos and rock amazing looks is so wonderful!
I had a wonderful weekend in Columbus. (: Me and Christy got to hang out. Saturday we went to a lovely sushi date and after that we went to see Star Trek with Josh. I LOOOVED that movie. the story is incredibly epic and I'd love to learn more about it!
I'm glad I got to hang out with all of them, I wish they lived closer. ): Or I saw them more. Josh made me another mix cd that has awesome songs on it. He's way cool. (: He's best friends with Aud which isn't weird or anything.
On a sadder note, I've sort of fallen away from God. I used to talk to him all the time, but I've sort of fallen into a huge slump and I feel like I'm drowning. My heart is completely shattered, and I need for Him to save me again. I know things will get better, but why can't I put more faith in God and know that He DOES have a wonderful future planned for me? Why is it that I'm caught up in the bad things and life sometimes seem so not the way it should be? I always say I'll put my hope, faith, life and dreams in God's hands... but do I ever really do this?
I think its really funny how life is NEVER how any of us planned on it being. Perhaps thats the point of life, really. We are put through tests, heartbreak and triumphs to test our commitment to God. So far, I'm struggling. God has given me wonderful feelings and people in my life, some stayed, but most left.
Also God I'm struggling so bad with my heart. Whats wrong with me? Did I do something wrong? Am I not good enough? Do I not fit that picture-perfect cookie cutter ideal image? Please God, send me a sign. I'm so hurt and I feel rejected... which I know isn't a new feeling to you. But why? Is it because we're all human? Perhaps we're all incredibly foolish and don't know a good thing until its too late?
I need a sign.
I need You. I try opening my heart to You, but its so hard to open it to anything. I'm so scared of getting hurt again. I know You wouldn't hurt it, but I really am struggling. Please, oh please help me God.
love, me.