update.

I seriously need to update this on a regular basis. But its not like anybody reads this stuff. (: One day I'd like to look back on this blog and read about all the things I had to deal with and all the stuff I accomplished. I've deleted every blog and diary I've ever had, so hopefully I can keep this one on for good.
The situation with mom has gotten worse, and I'm scared for her over at the house. She doesn't eat, she's depressed, and she is covered in bruises. We've known for a while my step-dad beats her, but she won't do a thing about it. It breaks my heart to watch her suffer and I feel like my hands are tied. I've been told over and over that there truly is nothing at all that I can do to help her, to take her away from all the pain and that SHE needs to be the one to do so... But I just wish I could do something, anything! The situation is in God's hands, and I need to go ahead and accept that fact. The sooner I do, the sooner I know God will take care of it.
I've been so busy lately, I work two jobs yet I can't seem to take to managing my money successfully. Things with my grandparents aren't so hot because of the lack of understanding between the generations and my grandmother is so unhappy of what seems like everything I do. She wants to be the one to call the shots when it comes to Audrey, and she refuses to accept the fact that I am her mother, and I get to decide what is right for her. One day when I'm on my own I know things will be better, but until then I have to listen to her badgering me about what she thinks is right and what I know is right.
I feel like my youth is slipping past me. All of my friends are going out, visiting foreign countries, getting married, having kids... yet I feel sort of at a standstill. Now I know that I'm only 20, and sure, I've got my whole life for this kinda thing, but I feel antsy.. restless, like why can't one of these things happen to me? (not the baby part, obviously. :p) why can't I be the one who goes to visit China, or Paris? ANd getting married, as much as I hate to admit it, its one of my biggest dreams. I cannot wait to get married, and I wish It'd be sometime soon. I don't want anything big, but just a small wedding with family and close friends... at the beach! (: As restless and anxious as I get about all of these things, I know that God has a set plan for me and he will decide exactly when and if each of these things happen to me or not. (but I pray they do!)
I'm approaching 8 months with the man of my dreams, and its so wonderful knowing that I want to spend the rest of my life with him. Its so silly how long I've been upset and broken hearted and they all led up to him. Josh is absolutely perfect for me, and whats even better is that he's perfect for Audrey too. He's told me countless times that Audrey IS his daughter, and that we've helped him turn his life into something wonderful. Knowing this fills my heart with joy. Ever since the day Audrey came about, I always felt so horrid about her growing up possibly without someone she knew as a dad, because what little girl could stand that? But God knew exactly what we needed and soon he blessed us with Josh and ever since the day we met I've never been the same. Sometimes I get scared that maybe something will go wrong, maybe things won't work out... but thats only a little fear, I've got a gut instinct telling me that this is for real. Recently Josh applied for college and is starting this fall. He's done everything that needs to be done, and I can't wait for both of us to finish so we can have our happily ever after. I've gotten this feeling of absolute misery and depression when he is away and it scares me a bit because I've invested so much trust and hope into him, but when I see him it always goes away and feels right. I wish the distance wasn't a problem, we only see each other on the weekends and its so rough for both of us. Neither are happy with the other's absence, which is cute I guess. (: But I know that God has something planned for both he and I and whenever He feels its right, something will happen. (I just hope its soon! :P)
So now I sit and I rant and wonder at work. Its really hot and I'm sweating quite a lot. ew! Dad's office doesn't have very good AC im afraid. (:
Well I'll update this soon, sorry this blog was so selfish sounding, but it needed to be ranted so thus, i did so!
love, me.