update.

I seriously need to update this on a regular basis. But its not like anybody reads this stuff. (: One day I'd like to look back on this blog and read about all the things I had to deal with and all the stuff I accomplished. I've deleted every blog and diary I've ever had, so hopefully I can keep this one on for good.
The situation with mom has gotten worse, and I'm scared for her over at the house. She doesn't eat, she's depressed, and she is covered in bruises. We've known for a while my step-dad beats her, but she won't do a thing about it. It breaks my heart to watch her suffer and I feel like my hands are tied. I've been told over and over that there truly is nothing at all that I can do to help her, to take her away from all the pain and that SHE needs to be the one to do so... But I just wish I could do something, anything! The situation is in God's hands, and I need to go ahead and accept that fact. The sooner I do, the sooner I know God will take care of it.
I've been so busy lately, I work two jobs yet I can't seem to take to managing my money successfully. Things with my grandparents aren't so hot because of the lack of understanding between the generations and my grandmother is so unhappy of what seems like everything I do. She wants to be the one to call the shots when it comes to Audrey, and she refuses to accept the fact that I am her mother, and I get to decide what is right for her. One day when I'm on my own I know things will be better, but until then I have to listen to her badgering me about what she thinks is right and what I know is right.
I feel like my youth is slipping past me. All of my friends are going out, visiting foreign countries, getting married, having kids... yet I feel sort of at a standstill. Now I know that I'm only 20, and sure, I've got my whole life for this kinda thing, but I feel antsy.. restless, like why can't one of these things happen to me? (not the baby part, obviously. :p) why can't I be the one who goes to visit China, or Paris? ANd getting married, as much as I hate to admit it, its one of my biggest dreams. I cannot wait to get married, and I wish It'd be sometime soon. I don't want anything big, but just a small wedding with family and close friends... at the beach! (: As restless and anxious as I get about all of these things, I know that God has a set plan for me and he will decide exactly when and if each of these things happen to me or not. (but I pray they do!)
I'm approaching 8 months with the man of my dreams, and its so wonderful knowing that I want to spend the rest of my life with him. Its so silly how long I've been upset and broken hearted and they all led up to him. Josh is absolutely perfect for me, and whats even better is that he's perfect for Audrey too. He's told me countless times that Audrey IS his daughter, and that we've helped him turn his life into something wonderful. Knowing this fills my heart with joy. Ever since the day Audrey came about, I always felt so horrid about her growing up possibly without someone she knew as a dad, because what little girl could stand that? But God knew exactly what we needed and soon he blessed us with Josh and ever since the day we met I've never been the same. Sometimes I get scared that maybe something will go wrong, maybe things won't work out... but thats only a little fear, I've got a gut instinct telling me that this is for real. Recently Josh applied for college and is starting this fall. He's done everything that needs to be done, and I can't wait for both of us to finish so we can have our happily ever after. I've gotten this feeling of absolute misery and depression when he is away and it scares me a bit because I've invested so much trust and hope into him, but when I see him it always goes away and feels right. I wish the distance wasn't a problem, we only see each other on the weekends and its so rough for both of us. Neither are happy with the other's absence, which is cute I guess. (: But I know that God has something planned for both he and I and whenever He feels its right, something will happen. (I just hope its soon! :P)
So now I sit and I rant and wonder at work. Its really hot and I'm sweating quite a lot. ew! Dad's office doesn't have very good AC im afraid. (:
Well I'll update this soon, sorry this blog was so selfish sounding, but it needed to be ranted so thus, i did so!
love, me.

I haven't felt at home since my parents were together. The only times I ever came close to feeling thus so was when you were near. They tell me this is my home, but it isn't. Now when you're gone I feel empty and so alone, and I know you're my home. I wish you were here. Columbus seems so far, when it really isn't. I'd give anything to be with you now.



I miss home.

2010!!

Happy New Year Blogworld.
Maybe one of my many promises to myself should have been to update you more often? :P
PS. I just wanted to say that God has blessed me with the ideal boyfriend. He's perfect for me in every way, and without him I feel lost and incomplete. I've never known what its like to have an "other half" and I must say, I rather enjoy it. I cannot wait to spend the rest of my life with him. He's wonderful. (:
Thank you God for finally answering my prayers. I love You.
love,
me.

Where are you Christmas? Why can't I find you?

A Hallmark commercial came on the TV today and it made me sad. It was a Christmas commercial with parents and their small daughter and the young mother's mom had mailed her all of her old Christmas ornaments to them. It made me remember just how much I missed the warm, happy Christmases my family had before the divorce. I miss going Christmas tree shopping and feeling the cold, sticky sap between my fingers and mom and dad bickering over which tree would look the best in our house. I miss mom playing Christmas music and lighting candles and forcing us to sit and watch all the Christmas movies that would come on the tv. I used to get so mad when she'd make us sit and watch them, but I never knew that I'd miss those memories so badly. I miss her making hot chocolate and drinking eggnog with us. I miss her taking me surprise Christmas shopping around Columbus and us sneaking to go see a movie and not telling my sisters when I got home. I miss riding in that God awful green van of ours all around Columbus scoping out Christmas lights. I miss my mom shouting, "Christmas lights momma's side! Christmas lights daddy's side!" and all of us breaking our necks to see the lights that had mom so excited and dad laughing so hard. I miss waking up at 3 in the morning, waking my sisters up and dashing into the living room to see just what Santa had brought for us. I miss wondering why dad was sleeping on the couch and wondering if he and Santa had talked about stuff while he unloaded his sleigh. I miss staring in awe at the cookie crumbs on the plate and the half empty glass of milk thinking to myself, "WOAH! Santa drank from this cup... he ate OUR cookies.. this is so exciting!" I miss buying "reindeer food" and throwing it on our deck and on the roof and hoping it was enough food for the reindeer to share. I miss mom dressing us up in Christmas outfits and going to dad's business Christmas parties. I miss decorating our tree. I miss the Christmas countdown calender we had that granny gave to us and every day we took turns on who would move the star to the current day. I miss sitting with my sisters all bundled up in our room trying to go to sleep but not being able to because we were so excited as to what Santa might bring. I miss staying up all night and jumping out of bed the second I thought I heard sleigh bells. I miss keeping my blinds open in my room and falling asleep to the pear tree dad put lights on in our front yard; it reminded me of what it'd be like living in a city. I miss the together feeling. I miss mom making pigs in a blanket with mustard for us each morning while we unwrapped our presents. I miss mom and dad. I miss our family and how close we used to be. I miss Christmas. Christmas just isn't the same anymore. I miss Christmas decorations. I miss the joy and happiness it used to bring me. I feel so sad here... There are no decorations, no lights, no tree, no music, no scented candles, no eggnog, no love, no communication... I miss everything. It breaks my heart because this holiday meant so much to me.
One day when I have my own family I know I will hold these traditions I had close to heart and use them then. One day when I have my own home I will decorate it with a real tree, lights, decorations, and scented candles. One day I will make my family hot chocolate with tiny marshmallows and eggnog with a little nutmeg on top. One day I will make pigs in the blanket with mustard and we can eat those while seeing what Santa decided to bring my family. One day I will take Audrey out to go sneaky Christmas shopping around our current town and sneak her to the movies and we won't tell her younger siblings because it'd be our little secret! One day I hope to go riding in a car with my family and be the one to call out, "Christmas lights momma's side! Christmas lights daddy's side!" and laugh at my kids breaking their necks to see these awesome lights... but we won't be in an ugly van, we'll be in my cute Honda Accord with polka dotted back lights! One day I hope to go Christmas tree shopping with my significant other and our crazed off springs and ponder over which tree would look the best in our house. One day I will set gifts out with my hubby and both wear Santa hats and laugh at one another, but then tell each other to hush before we wake the kids. One day we will eat those cookies and drink the milk our kids left out for "Santa" and laugh and tell each other how much we love each other and can't wait to see what the kid's reactions will be. One day I will be the one who is attacked by jumping kids in the morning saying, "He came! He came! Santa came and left us presents!!" and groan and roll over and try to get some more sleep but only realize that that idea is pointless because the kids won't leave until we are up. One day I will smile at my hubby as we watch our kids ooohh and ahh over what gifts they have and feel so happy and at home. One day I will force my kids to watch those cheesy stop-motion movies my mom used to watch and let them know that one day this will mean a lot to them and for them to remember and cherish everything. One day I hope to play Christmas music all throughout my house and dance around while decorating the house with Christmas themed items. One day...

pssh. who updates?

I'm REALLY BAD at updating these. I'm sorry blog world. ):
Hmm, how is life blogworld? I hope its sparkly and super! Mine is that way, at least. (: Its funny, isn't it? How boys can make you hate life so much, but then there are some boys who make you feel higher than the sky? How strange! Needless to say, yes, blogworld, I am crushing on a super cute guy who lives an hour and a half from me. (: He's something special, and its so nice to have him in my life.
School has been... well, school! I grow tired of it. Like my lovely wifey mentioned in her blog, I'm just ready to get started on my major! hooray for marketing cult!
I've lost 20 pounds. (: Super stoked! I've been killing it at the gym lately, so I'm glad results are finally showing up!
I haven't talked to my mom in a couple weeks, which is always really sad to me. But I try not to think much about it, all I can really do is make sure Audrey never has to go through what I did. (:
She's 2 now, and she's such a mess! (a cute mess, that is.) and she is the ultimate diva! She's so good at having a scene, so I think she'll be the perfect theatre major. (:
Did I mention how excited I was for this new boy? No names of course, but everyone who this is concerned with knows who he is. I used to think all boys were scum and little scaredy cats, but I think he is different. I get to see him this weekend and I can't wait. Taking it slow of course, and there is no promise anything will come of it... but I really hope something does. (: He's quite marvy!
ohhhh thank You, thank You God for this! :D
love, me.

excellente!

Huzzah!
Praise you, baby Jesus! I am not a creepy Walmart citizen! :D
I have to work in an hour, booooo.
No matter, I do believe I will reread the Georgia Nicolson books. (:
Oh, and I've lost 10 pounds! woohoo! My body is getting more and more toned everyday, I'm so excited! :D



Thanks God, you're awesome!!!

PS.
GloZell is my new hero. (: She is beyond funny!

PSS.
I think Josh and Travis might come visit this weekend and I'm super stoked! Too bad my wifey can't come. D:

love, me.

update.

Hello hellooooo.
I've discovered that I treat blogs like most people treat their significant others. All doting and happy for the first couple of months, then nothing after the 5th or so month. How sad!
Frankly I just haven't had the time. I've fallen into a slump and I'm struggling to get out of this mess. School is consuming me and my nation is falling all around me. I avoid watching the news at all costs. My grandmother doesn't understand why I leave the room the second our "president" comes on or a new "bill" or "plan" is spoken of, but to be completely honest it just makes me sick.
Sometimes I wonder if I really am sick... Like, bipolar sick. Some days I'm happy and could possibly touch the sky if I wanted to, others I'm sad and feel like there's no way any of this can get better. School is really starting to take an affect on my body and mind, I'm so tired all the time. Audrey doesn't make it any easier. Who said two year olds were precious? Because I need to beat them! :P
I thank God for putting Christy in my life, without her I'd probably go insane. Also my friends like Ramsey and Josh. They're geat too, but I know they're both going through tough times now... I can only pray that they make it through and that they both know (you too christy!) that I love them with all my heart and I'm thankful for their wonderful friendship.
Another subject that gets to me awfully bad are these perfect married couples via facebook. I've got wishywashy feelings over the matter. Sometimes I bask in the fabulousness that is singlehood, then other times I yern for the nook of a guy's shoulder to bury myself in and just be close to that special person. I' run out of fingers from counting all my friends who are in great relationships, but then there's me. I know that I'm single for a reason - to grow in God. but Its so tough and depressing when you watch all the good guys get weeded out by the girls.
Also another thing, apparently some people get the wrong idea of who I am. Firstly, I am not your average single mom. No, I am not seeking a father for my child. Did I fail to mention that I am both? Yes, I do lack a penis and that lovely mustache, but I am a hybid parent for Audrey and I am NOT out to seek someone to take care of my kid. Where the hell that idea came from, I'll never know. But I'm not. I guess I really don't have the time for a relationship, but I'd give anything to get that cute text message or a enormous hug from some cute boy. Its nice to feel special... I mean high heels can only do so much!
On another note, I still think of you everyday. I hope you're life is going well and you're seeing the person that you're becoming, growing, and I hope you find happiness. I'll never stop caring about you, you changedme for the better. But I still have that empty feeling inside. Some days its more obvious than others, but its still there. I can't wait for it to heal.
I'm growing closer to God, but its on a more personal level. I talk to him all the time, and I know he has something wonderful planned for me. For everyone. For all my friends out there who are struggling and pondering the meaning of their life. Its up to us to jump these obstacles and run for the gold.
No matter how tough life gets, I know my prize will be worth while.
love,
me.