Where are you Christmas? Why can't I find you?

A Hallmark commercial came on the TV today and it made me sad. It was a Christmas commercial with parents and their small daughter and the young mother's mom had mailed her all of her old Christmas ornaments to them. It made me remember just how much I missed the warm, happy Christmases my family had before the divorce. I miss going Christmas tree shopping and feeling the cold, sticky sap between my fingers and mom and dad bickering over which tree would look the best in our house. I miss mom playing Christmas music and lighting candles and forcing us to sit and watch all the Christmas movies that would come on the tv. I used to get so mad when she'd make us sit and watch them, but I never knew that I'd miss those memories so badly. I miss her making hot chocolate and drinking eggnog with us. I miss her taking me surprise Christmas shopping around Columbus and us sneaking to go see a movie and not telling my sisters when I got home. I miss riding in that God awful green van of ours all around Columbus scoping out Christmas lights. I miss my mom shouting, "Christmas lights momma's side! Christmas lights daddy's side!" and all of us breaking our necks to see the lights that had mom so excited and dad laughing so hard. I miss waking up at 3 in the morning, waking my sisters up and dashing into the living room to see just what Santa had brought for us. I miss wondering why dad was sleeping on the couch and wondering if he and Santa had talked about stuff while he unloaded his sleigh. I miss staring in awe at the cookie crumbs on the plate and the half empty glass of milk thinking to myself, "WOAH! Santa drank from this cup... he ate OUR cookies.. this is so exciting!" I miss buying "reindeer food" and throwing it on our deck and on the roof and hoping it was enough food for the reindeer to share. I miss mom dressing us up in Christmas outfits and going to dad's business Christmas parties. I miss decorating our tree. I miss the Christmas countdown calender we had that granny gave to us and every day we took turns on who would move the star to the current day. I miss sitting with my sisters all bundled up in our room trying to go to sleep but not being able to because we were so excited as to what Santa might bring. I miss staying up all night and jumping out of bed the second I thought I heard sleigh bells. I miss keeping my blinds open in my room and falling asleep to the pear tree dad put lights on in our front yard; it reminded me of what it'd be like living in a city. I miss the together feeling. I miss mom making pigs in a blanket with mustard for us each morning while we unwrapped our presents. I miss mom and dad. I miss our family and how close we used to be. I miss Christmas. Christmas just isn't the same anymore. I miss Christmas decorations. I miss the joy and happiness it used to bring me. I feel so sad here... There are no decorations, no lights, no tree, no music, no scented candles, no eggnog, no love, no communication... I miss everything. It breaks my heart because this holiday meant so much to me.
One day when I have my own family I know I will hold these traditions I had close to heart and use them then. One day when I have my own home I will decorate it with a real tree, lights, decorations, and scented candles. One day I will make my family hot chocolate with tiny marshmallows and eggnog with a little nutmeg on top. One day I will make pigs in the blanket with mustard and we can eat those while seeing what Santa decided to bring my family. One day I will take Audrey out to go sneaky Christmas shopping around our current town and sneak her to the movies and we won't tell her younger siblings because it'd be our little secret! One day I hope to go riding in a car with my family and be the one to call out, "Christmas lights momma's side! Christmas lights daddy's side!" and laugh at my kids breaking their necks to see these awesome lights... but we won't be in an ugly van, we'll be in my cute Honda Accord with polka dotted back lights! One day I hope to go Christmas tree shopping with my significant other and our crazed off springs and ponder over which tree would look the best in our house. One day I will set gifts out with my hubby and both wear Santa hats and laugh at one another, but then tell each other to hush before we wake the kids. One day we will eat those cookies and drink the milk our kids left out for "Santa" and laugh and tell each other how much we love each other and can't wait to see what the kid's reactions will be. One day I will be the one who is attacked by jumping kids in the morning saying, "He came! He came! Santa came and left us presents!!" and groan and roll over and try to get some more sleep but only realize that that idea is pointless because the kids won't leave until we are up. One day I will smile at my hubby as we watch our kids ooohh and ahh over what gifts they have and feel so happy and at home. One day I will force my kids to watch those cheesy stop-motion movies my mom used to watch and let them know that one day this will mean a lot to them and for them to remember and cherish everything. One day I hope to play Christmas music all throughout my house and dance around while decorating the house with Christmas themed items. One day...

pssh. who updates?

I'm REALLY BAD at updating these. I'm sorry blog world. ):
Hmm, how is life blogworld? I hope its sparkly and super! Mine is that way, at least. (: Its funny, isn't it? How boys can make you hate life so much, but then there are some boys who make you feel higher than the sky? How strange! Needless to say, yes, blogworld, I am crushing on a super cute guy who lives an hour and a half from me. (: He's something special, and its so nice to have him in my life.
School has been... well, school! I grow tired of it. Like my lovely wifey mentioned in her blog, I'm just ready to get started on my major! hooray for marketing cult!
I've lost 20 pounds. (: Super stoked! I've been killing it at the gym lately, so I'm glad results are finally showing up!
I haven't talked to my mom in a couple weeks, which is always really sad to me. But I try not to think much about it, all I can really do is make sure Audrey never has to go through what I did. (:
She's 2 now, and she's such a mess! (a cute mess, that is.) and she is the ultimate diva! She's so good at having a scene, so I think she'll be the perfect theatre major. (:
Did I mention how excited I was for this new boy? No names of course, but everyone who this is concerned with knows who he is. I used to think all boys were scum and little scaredy cats, but I think he is different. I get to see him this weekend and I can't wait. Taking it slow of course, and there is no promise anything will come of it... but I really hope something does. (: He's quite marvy!
ohhhh thank You, thank You God for this! :D
love, me.

excellente!

Huzzah!
Praise you, baby Jesus! I am not a creepy Walmart citizen! :D
I have to work in an hour, booooo.
No matter, I do believe I will reread the Georgia Nicolson books. (:
Oh, and I've lost 10 pounds! woohoo! My body is getting more and more toned everyday, I'm so excited! :D



Thanks God, you're awesome!!!

PS.
GloZell is my new hero. (: She is beyond funny!

PSS.
I think Josh and Travis might come visit this weekend and I'm super stoked! Too bad my wifey can't come. D:

love, me.

update.

Hello hellooooo.
I've discovered that I treat blogs like most people treat their significant others. All doting and happy for the first couple of months, then nothing after the 5th or so month. How sad!
Frankly I just haven't had the time. I've fallen into a slump and I'm struggling to get out of this mess. School is consuming me and my nation is falling all around me. I avoid watching the news at all costs. My grandmother doesn't understand why I leave the room the second our "president" comes on or a new "bill" or "plan" is spoken of, but to be completely honest it just makes me sick.
Sometimes I wonder if I really am sick... Like, bipolar sick. Some days I'm happy and could possibly touch the sky if I wanted to, others I'm sad and feel like there's no way any of this can get better. School is really starting to take an affect on my body and mind, I'm so tired all the time. Audrey doesn't make it any easier. Who said two year olds were precious? Because I need to beat them! :P
I thank God for putting Christy in my life, without her I'd probably go insane. Also my friends like Ramsey and Josh. They're geat too, but I know they're both going through tough times now... I can only pray that they make it through and that they both know (you too christy!) that I love them with all my heart and I'm thankful for their wonderful friendship.
Another subject that gets to me awfully bad are these perfect married couples via facebook. I've got wishywashy feelings over the matter. Sometimes I bask in the fabulousness that is singlehood, then other times I yern for the nook of a guy's shoulder to bury myself in and just be close to that special person. I' run out of fingers from counting all my friends who are in great relationships, but then there's me. I know that I'm single for a reason - to grow in God. but Its so tough and depressing when you watch all the good guys get weeded out by the girls.
Also another thing, apparently some people get the wrong idea of who I am. Firstly, I am not your average single mom. No, I am not seeking a father for my child. Did I fail to mention that I am both? Yes, I do lack a penis and that lovely mustache, but I am a hybid parent for Audrey and I am NOT out to seek someone to take care of my kid. Where the hell that idea came from, I'll never know. But I'm not. I guess I really don't have the time for a relationship, but I'd give anything to get that cute text message or a enormous hug from some cute boy. Its nice to feel special... I mean high heels can only do so much!
On another note, I still think of you everyday. I hope you're life is going well and you're seeing the person that you're becoming, growing, and I hope you find happiness. I'll never stop caring about you, you changedme for the better. But I still have that empty feeling inside. Some days its more obvious than others, but its still there. I can't wait for it to heal.
I'm growing closer to God, but its on a more personal level. I talk to him all the time, and I know he has something wonderful planned for me. For everyone. For all my friends out there who are struggling and pondering the meaning of their life. Its up to us to jump these obstacles and run for the gold.
No matter how tough life gets, I know my prize will be worth while.
love,
me.

Ho Hum Pig's Bum!

Yes I know, nonexistant readers, I've been slacking on posting this. (:
I'm currently sitting at dad's work just chillaxing until school time. I know my dad likes the company, because everyone always loves it when someone comes to visit them. He probably doesn't love it so much that he always has to buy me lunch. teehee. (: Hi dad! You'll probably read this eventually, because you usually always read our online stuff you creeper. No, I'm kidding. But srrsly.
This past weekend was the fourth of July, and it was incredibly fun! I spent it with my friends up in C-town and we all had a blast. Even though I was only there for one night and a day, it was still fun. Josh got me a Mr Spock bobble head whom I love, it is so cute! It tends to fall off my dashboard a lot. ): Maybe I turn to fast? No clue!
It was nice spending time with Christy, because I really do miss her. I'm glad she is possibly the one out of two non-related people in my life that won't stab me in the back. I wish I saw her more!
School is so/so. Its summer, so naturally I don't like going very much. My financial aid came in and they cut it into a third of what it was, so I don't know how I'm going to afford this next semester. ): But God works in mysterious ways, so I'm trying not to sweat the bad stuff. He'll take care of it, He always does!
My new car is AMAZING. It drives like a dream. For once I got to listen to Josh's mix he made for me via CD player. it was super fun!
Anyway, I have to go run an arrand for my dad. So I'll talk to you guys eventually. :P
love, me.

(:

Greetings blog world. (:
Last night I went to see True Blue City play at the Dome with my friend Ramsey and my sister Kelsey. They (TBC) and the other two bands did a phenominal job and I was incredibly blown away with how talented they all were.
Today is the last step in moving everything to my grandma's house. I still haven't heard from my mom, and it kind of sucks but I'm used to it. I'm so excited for this new beginning.
For those who do not know, things were getting rather rough at my mom's house. So when she ran over my 95 Honda accord with her F250 and told us she would not file insurance because she was too broke, my dad and I took it as the last straw and immediately started preparations for me to leave that sad place. I'll be getting a new 2001 Honda accord very soon, which I'm very excited for! Its so cute. (: I've already placed a Mr Spock sticker and my TOMS sticker on it. (: New car, new home. My grandma is thrilled, as am I. I am so excited to get back into my art. Also I'll be taking sewing lessons!
Look out Fashion World, here I come! (maybe)
Also, another last word before I go... I'm so happy to have Jesus in my life. Everyday I am shown a new form of love from Him, and he never ceases to surprise and amaze me. I, again, cannot wait to see what the future has in store for me.
love, me.

Praise.

I don't say it enough, but I love You more than anything God.
I talk to you in my head throughout my day, but I want the world (well, internet world especially) to know this. You are simply astonishing and leave me in awe every second of every day.
Thank You. I love You.
love, me.

still you push away.

I'm sitting on my bed having the worst stomach cramps ever. The first season finale of America's Next Top Model is on and I always loooove to watch it. Fashion is one of my ultimate passions in life and seeing them shoot photos and rock amazing looks is so wonderful!
I had a wonderful weekend in Columbus. (: Me and Christy got to hang out. Saturday we went to a lovely sushi date and after that we went to see Star Trek with Josh. I LOOOVED that movie. the story is incredibly epic and I'd love to learn more about it!
I'm glad I got to hang out with all of them, I wish they lived closer. ): Or I saw them more. Josh made me another mix cd that has awesome songs on it. He's way cool. (: He's best friends with Aud which isn't weird or anything.
On a sadder note, I've sort of fallen away from God. I used to talk to him all the time, but I've sort of fallen into a huge slump and I feel like I'm drowning. My heart is completely shattered, and I need for Him to save me again. I know things will get better, but why can't I put more faith in God and know that He DOES have a wonderful future planned for me? Why is it that I'm caught up in the bad things and life sometimes seem so not the way it should be? I always say I'll put my hope, faith, life and dreams in God's hands... but do I ever really do this?
I think its really funny how life is NEVER how any of us planned on it being. Perhaps thats the point of life, really. We are put through tests, heartbreak and triumphs to test our commitment to God. So far, I'm struggling. God has given me wonderful feelings and people in my life, some stayed, but most left.
Also God I'm struggling so bad with my heart. Whats wrong with me? Did I do something wrong? Am I not good enough? Do I not fit that picture-perfect cookie cutter ideal image? Please God, send me a sign. I'm so hurt and I feel rejected... which I know isn't a new feeling to you. But why? Is it because we're all human? Perhaps we're all incredibly foolish and don't know a good thing until its too late?
I need a sign.
I need You. I try opening my heart to You, but its so hard to open it to anything. I'm so scared of getting hurt again. I know You wouldn't hurt it, but I really am struggling. Please, oh please help me God.
love, me.

Stop Motion

I love love lovely love this video buttloads! I've decided to film my first stop motion video this weekend! (:
Also, I've put on a couple more pounds due to me having a sudden passion for fast food (mostly sonic and their chicken wraps and delish fries - the terds!)So I'm going to take a picture of myself every day to see the difference in weight loss, hopefully I'll see some improvement. I'm going to run everyday like I did a good year ago, so maybe that'll do some work. (: This should be fun! I downloaded the program that can help make photos into a video for the stop motion effect. Stoked!
I'm also stoked for this weekend. eep!
Anyway, I'm off to read more of Georgia Nicolson's marvy life. (:

fix your stray eyebrow hairs, please.

Today I answered the door and a Jehovah's witness asked me what I thought of Hell. I told her that as long as Jesus is your Savior, he'll protect you from it. She shook her head and said "Thats what everyone seems to think."

What!? I wanted to slam the door in her face.
Who is this Jehovah character?? I'd like to inform him on a thing or two. The lady was incredibly odd and told me that me and my husband need to read the magazine to save ourselves. I told her I wasn't married, and that my parents were asleep and she just continued on.

Oy vay! Crazy people in this world. I'm glad Jesus saved me. (:

Updates and whatnot

Apparently I fail at updating this thing. Oh well. (:
I'm sitting up at Elements enjoying a chocolate redefined with cherry added to it. It's positively delish! I'm working on some homework too, but I figured I'd add a little something to this.
A young dad and his 5 1/2 month old baby are here. He calls his son "L Man" for short, and everytime he squeals his dad looks up from reading and smiles and says, "I totally understand", "Yeah man", or something of the sort. It warms my heart to see such love and devotion. Its nice to know that there really are genuine guys like that out in the world, I can't wait to find that perfect, genuine guy who would be more than willing to spend the rest of his life with me. Its adorable. If I had my polaroid I'd snap a photo to hang in my room.
I've been busy with school and work. I'm having to put my foot down with Mrs Terri who wants me to dedicate my life to hibachi and not my school work. No way in hell I want to work there the rest of my life, and if it weren't for me being so attached and no other job paying 9 an hour I wouldn't be there anymore. I don't work as much, which isn't so bad. Its nice having time away from there. I didn't do so hot this semester, schoolwise. I haven't felt as happy as I usually am, for good reason. Now that this semester is coming to an end I can't wait to start the next. No reminders, no nothing! Easy, tennis and math. Aud will be in daycare soon too. We are putting her in Sherwood. I'm glad she will have some sort of structure and teaching going on, because she isn't learning much being cooped up at mom's house I'm afraid. And when she goes there, I can spend more time on me, which will be lovely. I've fallen away from myself and become a sort of void of what I used to be. I am very excited to dedicate time to myself, then I can dedicate better time to Aud and everyone else.
Katie and I have sort of started hanging out again, which is really exciting. I missed her. (: Me and Ramsey got to spend more time together too. I missed her as well. I miss Christy tons too, I really can't wait to see her, even though I always nag to her... She knows its all out of love. (:
This summer I plan on running before tennis around Lake Loretta with my sister. I think we're going to try the whole running photography scene like they did in Yes Man. I'm so excited for everything! Especially the summer, new beginnings! Warped Tour for one, I'm stoked. (:
I wish I didn't feel so mopey now, but I know I'll get better once the semester is over with.
I've found a new favorite book that I've dedicated my life to, haha. Louise Rennison's Georgia Nicolson series! I go to Sho Guns almost every day and read it. Its very fun, and incredibly relaxing.
Anyway, back to my studies! Ta ta for now kiddies, and hopefully soon I'll have interesting things to write about.
love, me.

We're the pieces of the puzzel.

A day filled with movies and taco bell always eases the mind.
Oh, and I started my period. Hence, that is the reason as to why I've been so blue lately. Hooray for PMS!
Tomorrow is school, and I really don't want to go. I can't wait for the semester to end. I'm incredibly tired. I think I could sleep for a good 2 weeks straight. I think tomorrow for lunch I'll go get sushi by myself with my recent favorite novel. Sounds nice. (:
love, me.

another day, just breathe.

Some days are worse than others. I hate feeling so down all the time, and so lonely.
I need a sushi date with Rams asap, or a couple days with Christy. Something, anything.
God, please help me out of this slump I've seem to have fallen into.
love, me.

Chocolate fairy bunnies!

Happy Easter!
I'm so happy to have Jesus in my heart. (: I'm incredibly lucky to have him, as is everyone else. Thank You God for that. I love You.
love, me.

llamas, zebras, giraffes, oh my!

Hi again Bloggers! (:

Last night I hung out with one of my closest friends, Ramsey. I love spending time with her. We went to Sho Guns to eat sushi and the waitress recognized us from last time and thanked us for the tip we left her last time, and talked to us about vampie books we'd be into and whatnot. She was really nice. I think Ramsey and I are going to make it a habit to go and eat sushi there. (:

Ramsey eats the spicy sushi (she has a newly found favorite called 911! haha) And I get the sissy sushi aka california rolls. Then we both could possibly drink a keg of diet coke. mmm. Our waitress gave us a list of authors that we'd be interested in, because we both admitted to have a sick obsession with Stephenie Meyer's Twilight series. (: The sushi maker guy was a total cutie, haha. After this, we rode in my car to the mall to see how much the books would cost that the waitress recommended. They were decently priced, but we're bad people and I shop amazon all the way. ;D After this, we walked the mall talking about typical girl stuff - boys! Oh, and cute shoes. We went to Old navy and I bought a pair of kelly green hot shorts, omg they're amazing. Thanks to my walk, jog and run class and a bit of the tanning bed I'm actually starting to look semi decent! Yay! So I can start shoving myself into shorts. (: Then we saw giraffe prints EVERYWHERE. Thanks to my friends up in C-town pointing this out, I can't help but spot giraffes everywhere. I found a scarf that was a giraffe print, and then I took a picture with it... and behind me is a lady with a giraffe print purse. Totally unplanned!

See!? She is right behind me with glorious 80's style hair that is extremely popular here in Southwest GA. After this, Ramsey and I rode over to Target and bought lovely Easter presents for Audrey and her fiance Chris! She got him a Batman basket (He loves Batman) and I got Audrey a really cute light brown basket with flowers all over it. Then we had fun picking out all kinds of goodies to go in it! I found zebra stripped easter eggs and whatnot! It was so exciting. They had all kinds of butterfly stuff too. (: So cute. Then after this, we rode to Walmart and scoped out all the cute school stuff. I bought two notebooks for next semester's classes (math and french). I'm really excited! We had so much fun. We kept being told, "oh my gosh, you're so cute!", "You girls have GREAT style!", "Aw, ya'll are so sweet!" hahaha it was so fun. (: Then I had to go home, because I had to get sleepy Aud from my grandmother's house. So we planned to meet up again and get sushi Thursday (tomorrow). Yay! I'm so excited. (: Dawn and I are also going to look at day cares tomorrow too. I hope we find a good one for Audrey. DEFAX said they don't offer financial help if you go to college. Even college and work. You either have to work 30 hours a week or you get no help at all. messed up, right? The government loves to contradict itself. Either way, I know God will work things out. He always does! He never ceases to amaze me. (: Anyway, I have to go get ready for work. Ew! Maybe some friends will stop by and see me. ;D That'd be awesome. Well, good bye for now babies. Ps, I hope I get to see Christy soon. ): I miss her. Maybe she and I can go get sushi next time I'm in Columbus and we can hate boys together! Hahaha

love, me.

is so 3,008!

Long time no post, right?

This weekend was a blast. Katie, Aud and I went up to Columbus to hang out with friends up there. This was my first time actually taking Audrey on a trip minus my parents, so it was a major step for me. It wasn't all bad, naturally she had to have her naptime otherwise she'd scream and have a "McDonald's" moment. :P

Friday:

After school I went to pick Katie and Aud up from my aunts and we drove home, threw our bags in the car, and headed off. We got their later than usual, but when we did we met up with Josh. He became bifflez with Aud over the weekend, it was funny to watch. Friday night we all went to Christy's parent's house to watch old movies and eat pizza. Josh left later, but Chris stayed over and slept on the couch. Aud woke up at 1 and stayed up until about 4, so she and I watched a movie.

Saturday:

We took Aud to her first Easter egg hunt!

Aud didn't like the idea of putting all of her newly found eggs in the basket, which she cried about for most of the time. (: And bratty kids took the eggs from her, so we helped her out a little bit!

After the egg hunt, Mrs. Charlotte opted to watch Aud while we went to get our nails did. It was a lovely experience! Katie got fake nails for the first time, and I got blue toe nails!! Woo!

Yeeeaaahh awesome. I had a lovely chat with the lady who did my nails, her name was Kim and she was from Vietnam. I learned a lot from her. (:

After this, we drove to pick Josh up because he wanted to hang out with us. (:

We then went to Christy's house to eat hamburgers and hot dogs and it was gooood. That night we went back to the apartment and spent the night. We watched more movies and Josh let me, Katie and Aud have his bedroom which was really nice of him. We all eat entirely too much, but it was so great. We also went to the mall for like, 30 minutes to do a quick shop session and Katie bought some gages and I got a couple belly button rings and zebra underpants because Aud picked them out. I'm glad she has a great sense of style! (:

Sunday:

The weather was getting kinda gross, and we were supposed to leave early for an Easter egg hunt but it was rescheduled for Wednesday. (: So instead we hung out around the apartment for a bit, then we went to the mall and shopped more. Aud went ballistic during this time because she didn't havea long enough nap. Ugh! It was stressful, shawty. She got blue icee, chocolate truffle blizzard and lo mein noodles aaaall over her. And she had many McDonald's screaming sessions. It was silly. (:

After this, Christy and I went back to her house to get clothes but we were held hostage by her dad. D: After a good two hours we left, drove back to the apartment, (first making a pitstop to BKlounge) then we packed up and left. I was sad. ): I didn't want to go, I love hanging out with all of those cool cats. After a good drive home of me and Katie jamming out to Josh's mix and other songs, I made it home to unpack and open Evee up to find a lovely surprise Josh left me.

So now I'm home, and I'm hoping I can go up to Columbus sometime soon. (: Anyway, I'm off to facebook a bit more and talk to my wifey.

Audios gatitos, until the next time!

love, me.

I love it when it rains.

Its raining, and it is Saturday. I love the rain, it always reminds me of you. (:
If it weren't for the fact I don't have a matching raincoat, I'd go outside to play in the rain. I'm already sick, whats the worst that could happen? Besides that, its lightning... and I really don't feel like getting shocked. Plus, I'm watching Penelope. I love this movie, its so good. (:
I have been texting Christy today. I wish she would just leave Chris be and move on. I hate seeing him so distraught by this thing. She hasn't really made up her mind about what she wants, but she needs to soon because he is suffering from this. I hate that. This whole situation has made mine seem so much more obvious. I can learn from their situation and better myself because I can't force her to make changes - only myself.
Anyway, I have to work today... and I don't know how that is going to work because it is storming outside and I have a 40+ drive to get Aud to and from my dads.
Anyway, I think I'm going to leave now to either 1 - work on my history paper, 2 - finish penelope, 3 - facebook, or 4 - all of the above.
love, me.

Happy 30 post!

c: Hi bloggers.

Today has been lovely, except for me almost getting murdered by some loon on slappey today.

I got a new phone! Well, its the same as my old one, just new. The old one cracked in the flip-joint thingy so it was sorta floppy and limp and so depressing.

yaaay new phone! Super exciting. (: Anyway, I got an 88 on my research paper. (PRAISE GOD!) I was really nervous about it, but I'm glad I pulled through. Ms. Gassel said I was really improving and each of my papers gets better and better. yay! I'm glad. I was really worried about it. Thank you Christy for your help and advice! I couldn't have done it without you, literally.

Anyways, tonight I am off, which is a first. I am going to work on my history paper and clean my room. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that Justin and Erin want to hang out tonight. I owe them a lot, they're great friends. I hope I get to spend more time with them. (:

ps.

Thank You God for not letting that crazy lady annihilate me!

love, me.

my life is worth more than boiled peanuts!

So yesterday was a mess.
Starting with good things first, I sort of worked things out with Ryan. Well, I at least feel like I kind of did. I really miss his and my friendship, so I told him that. He and I, boyfriend/girlfriend-wise, we are over. But as friends, we don't have to be. I don't want it to be. So I told him how I felt, now I just have to see if he wants to be friends or not. He said he did, but like everyone says, actions speak louder than words. If nothing happens, at least I tried. This situation is in God's hands now.
The gas station next door was robbed while I was working. Hope didn't do anything last night, so when we got an ambush of people in, she didn't help. She kept running to the bathroom or went to sit down, dispite my constant "Hope do this, Hope I need for you to do that". I transfered an upset customer to ms terri, who in turn calls me to cuss me out saying I shouldn't speak the way I do to customers. Even when I was joking.
We didn't walk out of there until 10:20 that night.
It sucked, and now my cd drive isn't working so I can't burn a thanks-for-making-me-a-cd-so-i-made-you-one cd for Josh. poo.
anyhow, I overslept for my first class, (math) so now i can just go to psych (yay!) then after that I'll go tan... wait for katie to get out of school, go get her, then we will see what tonight holds! (: Maybe lots of happy things.. guess we will find out. (: Like always, I've got my fingers crossed and my eyes wide open!
love, me.

Staring at trees, not the road.

Dear God,
I couldn't help but notice how absolutely beautiful today has been. You are constantly leaving me in awe at everything You make, do, show me, etc.
I'll love You forever and always, but You already knew that. (:
love, me.

of joy that kills...?

I'm free!
This weekend has been exhilarating. I feel completely free from all those old feelings.
I couldn't have done it with You, God. Also my friends. Thank you, thank you, thank you!
I'm not guaranteed having no pain-free moments, but for the most part its all gone. I feel like I can finally move on with my life.
I'm so excited. Eeeeek! c:
I'm not free when it comes to school work though. D: boo!
I have to work on a research paper and my midterm, which are both due tomorrow.
Mr. Daniel was really upset with our class today because no one but like two people read the chapter. (the two people, me and tina, only read parts. not the whole chapter) so i figured i am going to start preparing and studying my notes. i want my next test grade to be the highest one for the class. c:
anyways, i just had to brag to blogger that i feel so alive and so free. I'm so excited.
love, me.

Hello Columbus

Hello bloggers.
It is currently 9:54 AM and I am awake. D: Nooooo! I'm in Columbus now, away from Albany and babies. Its nice, really. I needed the break. Christy is still asleep (effing wake up!) And her cat, Jasmine, woke me up by digging and nuzzling into my hair. It was the strangest feeling.
Last night was awfully fun. I met up with Josh at the mall and we roamed around waiting for Christy to get there. Then we ate some lovely Chinese food (that destroyed my stomach this morning. D: ) and then we went back to the apartment to watch Repo and Zack and Miri Make a Porno. Both were really good, slightly funny. We also pigged out. (mmm corndogs with cheese spray, por favor?) Then Christy and I went back to her parents and crashed. Today we are going for lunch, hanging out around Columbus, and God knows what else. Tonight we're supposed to go back over to the apartment and watch a scary movie. eek! I hate scary movies, but Christy offered to protect me from the scenes. Hopefully that will work.
Anyways, I'm off to draw on my tablet or something. c: byee!
love, me.

I've been watching The Office all day

I really, really, really need to find myself a Jim Halpert. Seriously.
love, me.

SNOW DAY!!!!!!

Not really. c:
We had snow flurries, which was super exciting.
I woke Katie and Stevi up and told them it was snowing, and they were mad because they couldn't even see the snow.
Then I rescued Mr. Bigs from our roof.
So far, its been a good day. I hope it snows tonight, so I can have a snowball fight at work. c:
snowball = .1% snow + 99.9% hibachi sauce


MMMMM.
love, me.

I wear pantyhose!

Hello fellow bloggers. C:
Today has been rather uneventful, just like this weekend.
Erin and I went on a sushi date, it was fun.
Sunday I attempted to study at Hibachi but I failed. So instead I got to talk to Ramsey, Justin and Erin. It was fun.
I'm about to have to go into work, bahhh.
The weather outside is amazing, I love the coldness. Everytime I step outside it catches me offguard, but I love it.
I've sort of fallen off track when it comes to talking to God, which I'm not proud of.
I hope to pick back on that subject, but these past couple days have been so stressful to me, especially my pride.
All around me couples seemed to be popping up outta nowhere, and couples seem to be ending out of nowhere as well. I'm very happy for my friends who are experiencing the getting together part, but as for my friends who are breaking up I feel for them but it was obvious things weren't working.
In a way, I'm kind of glad to not be a part of that crazy drama. Even when the guy (or girl) seems absolutely perfect, they can come outta nowhere and blow your heart out of your chest. So instead of being the victim, I am helping out my friends who have had this done to them. Or were the ones who broke it off.
Its different, I can see what its like on the other end. I guess all this is a learning experience for me to grow from.
Speaking of learning, I think my brain has sort of... died. I have no motivation to do my school work. Or at least it seems that way until 30 minutes before things are due. Maybe I should take the summer off? I'm not sure.
I need a vacation. My brain is officially fried.
Anyways, I'm off to get ready for work.
love, me.
Oh, PS: Thanks God for my good day. C: I haven't told You this today, but I think You're awesome.

Hello tablet!

So today sucked really bad.

I'm not going to post to the world what happened because thats my own business and I don't want to make people think differently.

however something wonderful happened too.

My tablet came in! :D

Thus, I made this:

Yaaaayyy fun! Me and this tablet are going to become very good friends.

Anyways, I'm going to go to bed now. I have a loooong day ahead of me.

Oh, and I have fluid in my knee too from when I fell on one of Audrey's toys after making fun of Katie's cripped ipod. It hurts and it's swollen. D:

Oh well, its all in God's hands.

love, me.

I can't think of a witty title today.

Today in psychology we talked about conditioned learning and reflex. Somehow we got on the subject of him and his midlife crisis. He said he bought a yellow sports car and it hydroplaned and ever since then he freaks out and has difficulty maintaining good blood pressure level when he drives in the rain. He also said the reason he picked that car was because in the commercial it said that the first red light he stops at, a gorgeous redhead, blue-eyed beauty would jump in. And he goes to tell us that it did work! And we were like, 'huh? who are you talking about?" and he goes, "well my wife, duh!" and we all had our laughs. He then got this certain look on his face... He smiled, and said "Yep, my wife. She's wonderful. None of you guys know what being in love really feels like, its something that grows in time. It takes a while, but when you get there its something you couldn't imagine living without. I'd hate to see my life without her. 43 years now, and its still perfect."
It got me thinking, what, with everyone saying how much in love with each other they are, are we ever really in love with them? What if we are just infatuated and feel that we are in love with being in love? What if he was right?
And if he is right, then what feelings have we all felt before? What is that feeling you get when that one person walks into the room.. and you have to remember to keep breathing? When the second your eyes lock you feel yourself getting weak in the knees? When just listening to his heartbeat is all you really want to do for the rest of forever? When you can see yourself growing old with that person? When you find yourself finishing each other's sentences? When you picked out beach houses you'd share with both your teacher salleries during the summertime? When you can't even stand to listen to half of your ipod because the memory of that person seems so unreal?
What is that feeling? is it love? or is it the very beginning of the actual feeling?
After he said this, I was sort of sad. Why couldn't I have that same feeling too? Then I realized, 'helloooooo!? you are NINTEEN. not sixty. you have the rest of your life to feel that way!' So I pulled myself out of the sappy-sad-girl puddle and felt confident. I know that one day I will find that coreshaking, consuming, can't live without eachother love that I've only read about, watched movies about, and heard about in my psychology class.
Some might not think something like that would happen. But I have faith. I know I will one day. Until then, sure, it'll be hard. It's always hard. (twss) Like yesterday when I was driving down Devon dr. and I saw an older couple walking, holding hands and laughing at eachother's jokes. It made me sad, sure, I wished I had someone I could hold hands with and laugh at too. But you know what? I'm okay. I'll be fine. One day I'll find that certain boy that will do all those things with me and then some.
Until then, I'm going to keep working on the relationship with myself. Work on my friendships, getting closer to God, my school work, my job, Audrey... Eventually my core-shaking love will come along. And when he does I can say to him, "Well jeez, mister, what took you so long!?"
love, me.

This entry was meant for Feb. 12th C:

Hello, Helloooo!
Long time no post, right? C:
I’ve been awfully busy lately with school, work, and life in general. I’ve also been doing a lot of growing and appreciating myself more. I’m so thankful for everything, for everyone I know. Right now I’m popping Jones’ soda carbonated candies in my mouth, typing on Evee (who’s come down with some type of disease) at the Hibachi in Albany while Ms Terri, Jamie and Brett talk smack about the crazies that have worked here. Austin is in his office plotting new things for his new restaurant. I feel like a helpless mutual friend who is sitting in the same room as my two close friends who just broke up with each other after 4 years of seemingly happiness. Austin sat in one corner, and Ms Terri sat behind the counter and they both didn’t say a word, but I waved to both of them because they both have been my boss. Its slightly silly seeing this from an outsider’s perspective. I don’t know if Austin’s business will go so great, seeing how every BBQ restaurant to ever open in Albany closed… but I’m hoping for the best for him. Naturally I’ll come visit him, and wish him the best of luck. But I’m on team Hibachi.

Haha, I wrote that on one of my papers for a class… I’m a horrible student. (:
I’ve been reading this book called Why Men Love Bitches by Sherry Argov that is terribly true. It takes on the same points The authors of Its called a Breakup because its Broken and He’s Just Not That Into You. My good friend Erin recommended them for a good laugh and some readjustments I could work on for myself. i.e., focus on the relationship with myself before even considering one with a *gasp* boy! And also, hellooooo!? I’m a SUPERFOX! Another thing, stop worrying over whether a boy likes me in that way or not. Who cares? I don’t! This book, however, keeps contradicting itself. It says to stand your ground and don’t let a man control you, then it says to give him the power and you’ll gain leverage. Huh? What? So I can’t let a man control me or seem too needy… but somehow I’m supposed to give a guy power and make him feel important?
That sounds like bullshit. Why should I lower myself and pretend I’m some helpless, defenseless damsel in distress? And why do that to please a man? I think it is absurd. I’ll do what I want, take care of myself, and if a guy wants to tag along then so be it! He’ll have fun, that’s guaranteed… but I am not going to go out of my way to make him feel like he has the power.
On a lighter note, Erin, Katie and I went to go see the movie He’s Just Not That Into You. It was really good, but that movie kind of contradicted itself too. It kept saying, “Hey! Crazy lady! Here are the obvious clues that a guy just isn’t THAT into you… So stop making up excuses!” And it gave you rules, then it said “Oh… But there ARE exceptions.” … Wait, what? And in the end, everyone was happy, because let’s face it… Everyone always has a “happily ever after” ending. *note my sarcasm*

It also told us what every guy was like, which doesn’t make sense. There is a handful of guys out there that I’m sure aren’t that bad, but in fact, are really great! So who are they to say they ALL act like that? I don’t know. I was terribly confused.
But I really did enjoy that movie. It was cute.
Anyways, not much going on in my life right now besides me working constantly, and when I’m not at work I’m at school. I think I’m going to visit Christy the beginning of March which I’m totally excited about. I miss her.
Anyways, I’m off. I still have an hour to kill before I have to be at the dentist and so I’m going to start reading… or studying. (:
Love, me

6 months

You're the direction I follow
To get home
When I feel like I can't go on
You tell me to go
And it's like I can't feel a thing
Without you around
And don't mind me if I get weak in the knees
Cuz you have that affect on me
You do
Everything you say
Every time we kiss I can't think straight
But I'm okay
And I can't think of anybody else
Who I hate to miss
As much as I hate missing you
Months going strong now
And no goodbye
Unconditional, unoriginal
Always by my side
Meant to be together
Meant for no one but each other
You love me
I love you harder so
Everything you say every time we kiss I can't think straight
But I'm okay
And I can't think of anybody else
Who I hate to miss
As much as I hate missing you
So please give me your hands
So please give me a lesson on how to steal a heart
Steal a heart as fast as you stole mine
As you stole mine
Oh and everything you say
Every time we kiss I can't think straight
And I can't think of anybody else
Who I hate to miss
As much as I hate missing you
So please give me your hands
So please just take my hand




I love that song. I do believe it is wonderful for the occasion. :O
I'm off to work. Sorry lurkers for the long time, no post. I've been awfully busy. I promise to update soon.
love, me.

On a rainy Wednesday

Dear God,

You always know how to brighten my day! I wasn't having such a good day, mostly me feeling sick and getting out of breath by lap two of Walk, Jog, and Run. I haven't had much of an appetite either, due to me being sick. So when I was driving home, the wind was blowing so hard that I couldn't resist rolling down my windows. Riding down the bipass, I had my windows down, music blaring and a big smile on my face. You are awesome, God, and I love You more and more everyday that I get to know You better. Thank you for those few minutes where I felt completely free of all worry and it was just You, me, and Clemintine.
Oh! And thank You for the rainy weather. Now I get to wear my zebra-striped rain boots! (which I found for 6 dollars at Target! Thanks again!)

Really God, You're fabulous. I'm so thankful to know You.

The dark cloud above the tree in this polaroid was in view from the Darton parking lot to my house. I thought it was really neat. It was a long dark cloud amongst all the lighter ones, but it stayed with me through the whole ride home. Just like You did. But unlike that silly cloud, You stay with me forever. (: Thanks for keeping me company.

love, me.

Superfox! Superfox!

My life is slowly but surely getting back on track. Like I said in my earlier post, I bought this amazing book. It is changing my life and making me realize that its silly of me to waste my time on a silly boy when I should enjoy me! I LOVE this book.

I will quote more later. I'm actually really hungry.

Oh, and today some guy brought a snake into hibachi. It was so awesome.

The guy said his snake's name was Trey. This is so much better than me finding penises drawn on the bathroom mirror.

Anyways. My day was exciting. I made plans to go to the movies with Erin this weekend. Its time to get my life back. (: Yay me! I'm awesome, spectacular, and a superfox. Ohhhh yeeeeahhh!

love, me.

Over and over

I dreamed about you last night. again.
Am I going crazy or is this forreal? Are these signs of hope, or just wishful thinking?
I wish I knew the answer. The very thought of you still makes me catch my breath.
I dreamed we were back at the beach, just you and me.
Everything was so perfect, so silly, so surreal, so us!
Then I woke up.
I still can't listen to over half of my ipod. I hope this passes soon. I went out and bought a book Erin recommended, so I hope this helps me.
But I still can't help but feel this gut feeling that this is something real.
Is it not? Or is it? And if it is, what are we doing?
love, me.

You are wonderfully spectacular

God,
Thank You for reminding me how amazing You really are. I got out of my car tonight, and I felt so sad (You know the reasons, no need to share with the whole world). Then I looked up, and voila! The sky took my breath away! There were so many stars, and it was all so clear. It was beautiful. I showed Aud too, I think if she could converse, she'd say she loved it too.
Thank You for that, it brightened my whole day.
I love You.
love, me.

Happy Birthday MLK (:

I lied. (:
I woke up yesterday morning and felt like death, so I had to call in to work for the first time in forever. Yesterday I spent the whole day on the couch and trying to feel better. I think I threw up once, and it was because I coughed too much and irritated my reflux system. bleh! Today I woke up and felt a little better, and Katie, Austin and I cleaned the whole house. I went to work and found out that everyone else at work was sick too, so Ms. Terri and I worked together, and it was SOOO slow. Ms. Terri made scallops and they were actually pretty good.
Also, I'm terribly broke. I still owe Justin for my movie ticket. (Justin, if you read this, I promise you I will pay you back as soon as I get cash moneys!) I can't wait until Wednesday. Also, I can't wait until our tax returns come in. I need to go out and buy those two books Erin was talking about. I need to do something... Because if I keep up with going on this track I'm on now I'm guaranteed to go absolutely crazy. I need to find a hobby. I plan on painting my room. I'm collecting Vitamin Water wrappers and I plan on making a neat collage with it for my room.
Anyways, I don't have anything interesting to write... I have to read a chapter in my psychology book. So I hope I will have a clever idea to talk about tomorrow. (:
love, me.

Apparently I'm Vitamin C deprived

My whole body hurts. You know that point right before you get really sick where your body feels weak and its overall really sore? Well, I have that now. My throat has been dry for the past two days and I can't breathe through my nose. I'm pretty sure my voice will be gone by tomorrow, which will not be good because I have to work again. But I shan't call in! I'll suck it up naturally. (: I don't like getting sick though, its never any fun.
Last night I had a wonderful time hanging out with Erin and Justin, both are amazing people. We went to see Gran Tarino (omgsp?) and it was REALLY good. Super funny, and very brutally honest and true. I loved it. After that, we went to steak n shake and spent a good 2 hours talking about life.
Justin made a good point, and I can't quote him on this because I don't remember everything he said, but it mostly consisted of him saying perhaps we shouldn't focus on all the negative things, but just be happy with the little things. Appreciate everything we've given, things we do, people we know and love, and just enjoy the time we have. Never get your hopes up, just accept everything for what it is. So I figured, wow! genius! why didn't I think of that? Its time for me to stop worrying so much and thinking how awful my life is, and just enjoy it. Afterall, God gave me this life, shouldn't I be happy with it? I'm going to start enjoying the little things in life. Appreciate the people who come in and out of it, and know that everything is just a learning experience. We're here to learn, to tell others about God, and just simply be!
Earlier that day, Erin and I walked the track and had a lovely girl talk. I've realized I must stop being a silly, hopeless girl and actually live my life. If people don't want to be around me, so be it! There loss anyways! I need to just be me, live my life, and eventually he will come. (by 'he' I mean that special boy saved just for me!) Until then, so what if I get lonely? I need to learn to rely solely on myself. Be utterly and completely independent. So far, I feel I'm mostly there. I do for myself, and I won't rely on anyone for anything. So now I have to learn to self-soothe and realize that I have to work on the relationship with myself before I ever consider a relationship with another person.
So, to sum all of this up, I've realized I'm going to start just living in the moment, love and cherish everyone who I come into contact with, and simply be.
Anyways, enough of my ranting. My back is killing me and my nose is stuffy. I have lots of classwork and work again tomorrow with Bill. yay! Anyways, I'm off to recharge before my super busy day.
love, me.

We are indeed from two different planets!

My classes are starting to pick up, which I'm rather excited for. Math is still super boring, and I finished my notes, classwork and homework before he was done with his lecture so the last 20 minutes of class I just sat there and looked cute. haaa!
Mr. Daniell's class was wonderful, I know already I'm going to look forward to his class every Tuesday and Thursday and learn a lot. He's so interesting. We talked today just about the basic info and history of psychology. Then we talked about how different girls and guys really are. He read a very humorous forward message to our class also. (And acknowledged the fact that he as well deletes e-mails that say FWD:FWD:FWD:FWD:omg something awesome! haahaha.) It was a diary between a man and a wife. The wife had a huge essay-like entry where she talked about how she went shopping with her friends for the entire day, and she arrived late at the bar she planned to meet her husband at. he was quiet, and she was upset because she thought maybe she had made him mad in the process. so she tried to carry on a conversation with him, and he was quiet and a little distant. She then asked if he wanted to go somewhere quiet, so he said, 'sure' and they went and he still didn't say much. by this time she is panicking. on the way home she was like, 'did i do something wrong? are you mad at me? what did i do?' and he said 'nothing. it doesn't concern you, so don't worry about it.' (note to any guy who reads this, we, as in us females, ALWAYS believe we did something wrong. seriously. it's a silly flaw in our DNA make-up to make us think this way... but seriously, you need to do some hardcore convincing.) she then says, 'i love you' and he smiles and doesn't say anything. so she freaks out, and they go home, then they both watch TV and nothing. then she goes to bed, and 15 minutes later he comes in and she starts to 'caress' him and he responds and they do the nasty. then he falls asleep and she cries. TYPICAL.
so his entry is this, and Mr. daniell didn't even have to read this, he memorized it: I missed a 8 point buck today. Kinda sucks but at least I got laid.
At this, the entire class cracks up. So typical! Makes me realize I'm positively stupid and wasting my time whenever a guy i care about gets quiet, before and now forever after I won't worry with it unless I do know that I made a mistake. Why waste so much time on worrying and crying over a guy when I didn't do anything wrong? This was so funny. Mr. Daniell said, 'guys are retards. you need to take us by the hand and tell us, explicitly, what you want us to do!"
I know I'm going to learn so much from this class. And get a few good laughs out of it.
On another note, I've come to realize that I need to be more organized. (yes, I know, I'm late on realizing this... but better now than never!) I've started reading Crate and Barrel magazines religiously while I ponder on the toilet. (LAWLseriously!) And I cannot wait until I have my very own place! Its going to be positively darling! I have color schemes plotted in my mind ATM and I cannot wait for them to be unleashed.
Mom and I watched the first part of Lucille Ball's movie, "The long, long trailer" and it made me realize I can't wait to get married. Plus the fact that all my friends seem to be getting asked the question left and right, it gets me all antsy. How great! They get proposed to, and I get broken up with. Just lovely!
Don't get me wrong, I plan on getting married after I graduate (God forbid baby numero dos comes a bit too early. eek!) But I wish my friends would wait too. I'm scared for them. I just hope they know what can happen if they get married too soon and that they wait until after they graduate and get permanent, well paying jobs. I know they're so excited though. I'm excited for them. It must be nice knowing that you already know that you've found the person you're going to spend the rest of your life with. Either way, I know God has someone really special waiting for me, no telling how long it'll take to find him. Who knows? Maybe I know him now, but we just aren't ready for that sort of thing. But I can't wait until the day comes that I do have that person to share a life with! But first, college. (: Gotta focus all my energy and time on this so I can get the best job eventually. And so far, I love all my classes and I'm doing fairly well. So lets hope this continues.
Also, am I crazy for holding on? God, will you give me a sign? I'd really appreciate that. I feel in my gut this is the right thing, but am I wrong? Will you tell me? Or show me a sign? Thanks. (: Oh, and Thanks for the weather too, God. It's awesome. I love opening the drive-thru window now at Hibachi, the cool wind feels so nice. Thank You!
Anyways, I gotta go get ready for work. Hopefully tonight will be good.
Until next time!
love, me.

Bewitched, bothered and bewildered

I spent my entire Sunday doing my homework and watching old movies. It was wonderful.

Frank Sinatra is wonderful, just thought I'd put that out there. If he was alive today, I would strive to be his best friend because he is fabulous.

Not only is he fabulous, but he is totally adorable. Why can't there be classy guys like him now-a-days? I'd totally be down for that.

Anyways, I'm off to bed. I'm awful tired and I'm ready to snuggle close to my sheets and dream of lovely things before school time. Hopefully tomorrow will be good. (:

Goodnight lurkers.

love, me.

You caged yourself, lovely

"You know what's wrong with you, Miss Whoever-you-are? You're chicken, you've got no guts. You're afraid to stick out your chin and say, "Okay, life's a fact, people do fall in love, people do belong to each other, because that's the only chance anybody's got for real happiness." You call yourself a free spirit, a "wild thing," and you're terrified somebody's gonna stick you in a cage. Well baby, you're already in that cage. You built it yourself. And it's not bounded in the west by Tulip, Texas, or in the east by Somali-land. It's wherever you go. Because no matter where you run, you just end up running into yourself"
- Paul Varjack, Breakfast at Tiffany's.

Happy Friday, darlings

TGIF! I had a lovely day. Erin and I walked the track about 15 times talking about boys and our psycho relationships we've been in. It was lovely. I love having girl talk. She told me something rather interesting too that gave me slight hope that maybe I wasn't completely loosing my mind. Yay for hopefulness!
Tonight I got to work at the Albany store, which I love dearly. Everything looks and smells so much better there. Even the Mexicans are nicer, as are the customers. The other night I tried something new, be nice to every single customer despite their douchiness. By being nice, I mean I started conversations with them, suggested my favorite things, etc. I think I made a couple friends too! I could tell I brightened some of those people's days. It was lovely. It made me feel good too. So naturally, I'm going to be that way more often, and not only at work, but everywhere!
So tonight I worked with Ramsey and Brandon, and it was loads of fun. Ramsey was sick, so she had to leave early. I hope she feels better. ): Brandon and I talked a lot while we sat there for 2 hours bored until closing time. I reconsidered ever moving in with friends, because I wouldn't want that to ruin any friendship of mine!
So I know I am rambling on in this, but I don't know what else to do but update and tell people about my silly, little life and the stuff that happens in it. I can't wait to get in shape from running and exercising!
Oh, and thank you sooooo much God for the cold weather. I didn't think it would ever come! But its finally here! Thank You! I got to wear my adorable old navy dream coat. I was totally stoked! That with a cute baby doll black dress and red pumps. Yes, I looked good. (: I told Ms. Gassel about my buck-up buttercup ring and she laughed and thought it was a cute idea. Maybe one day this will become a fad and every hopeful girl will do the same. Make a promise to yourself not to be a sad, hopeless, depressed individual and live life for the moment and enjoy everything. Again, thanks God for that idea. Its awesome. (: But You're awesome.
So anyways. Sorry readers/lurkers for the outrageously boring post. I promise you I'll have something interesting soon. But as of now my brain is fried and I'm exhausted. Goodnight world!

p.s.

I know this is a good two weeks late, but we got new shirts! Yay Hibachi!

love, me.

Buck up, buttercup!

Today as I was sitting in my car with Aud waiting for Ramsey to pull up at Moes, I happened to look over and see possibly one of the cutest/saddest things ever. A friend of mine and his girlfriend both came out to their car that was parked a couples spaces from mine. The wind was blowing way too hard today and so the girl twirled around with her hands in the air and stopped and grinned at her boy friend. He smiled one of those smiles (you know, the ones that say 'wow. you're amazing. what did i do to deserve you!?') and he walked over, opened her car door, gave her a quick kiss on the forehead, and shut her door after she got in. he walked back over to his side, and he smiled a little. (it was the kind of smile saying 'wow. i'm the luckiest person alive.') he got in his car, and they both laughed and smiled at each other, and drove off.

It didn't hit me until today how lonely I am. A couple months ago I was that girl. What happened? It broke my heart all over again seeing this.

So, to make up for my saddness, I did what any other girl might have done... Went to Target to buy a "buck-up buttercup, it'll happen one day!" 'diamond' ring for myself. Its beautiful, see?



Its my promise to myself not to ever have an almost-emotional breakdown like that ever again, because I know one day I will be right back there in her shoes, and I won't ever take those moments for granted again.
love, me.

Go Cavaliers!

So far I love all of my classes. (: 099 Math is ultra easy, but that is nothing new. 097 was easy as crap as well. Walk, Jog and Run will be fun cause I have a couple friends in that class, the teacher is super funny and too chill, and I'm excited to get in shape! 1102 English with Gassel is going to be a blast as well, because she is one of my favorite teachers. I feel like I let her down last semester, so this semester I want to make an even better grade and turn in everything on time. Today I had my psychology class meet, and my teacher, Mr. Daniell, is probably one of the funniest teacher's I've ever had since Mr. Matheny. He was a Vietnam vet., 63 years old, and he is a minister, who 'is not religious'. This was terribly humorous, so I shall talk about it on this entry!
So a classmate asked him why he was cursing (saying 'everyone say, hell yeah!' and 'damn!') but was still a minister. And he answered her with saying something along the lines of "Well... I'm not religious. I am just like you. I believe strongly in my faith, and I ain't afraid to share it. I won't lie to you saying I read the Bible every day for 5 hours straight, cause that just ain't true and you're lying if you say so! But I believe strongly in my faith."
I love that. I hate ministers, preachers, whatever you are, who do nothing but quote the Bible. God gave us brains to think! Use them! He was very chill, Mr. Daniell. He was telling us of his son who has been in jail a couple times, blah blah... its nice to know that people who also follow the Lord do not have the picture-perfect lives. I always feel like preachers are degrading and judging me by what I've been through in my life, but it was nice to see that he teaches others about God and his life isn't so perfect. That's what makes things good, unique: the imperfection of it all.
Seriously, why preach "do not judge others" when you do the same? Its sad.
I look forward to his class, I know I will learn a lot from him! And get a good laugh at the same time!
So this semester, I am going to promise myself a couple things:
1 - study! Seriously Lindsey, STUDY.
2 - loose 30 lbs. (or at least get in shape)
3 - don't loose contact with God.
4 - appreciate life for what it is and the little surprises that come with it.
5 - stay on top of your school work!
6 - be Hibachi's best employee - it'll look good on future resumes.
7 - love everybody!
8 - guard your heart with your life. it's too precious to break again.
9 - income tax money: put half in savings. the other half, put towards new paint job for Car, pay off car bills for dad (thanks for being so lenient.) other fourth, put in checking account.
10 - just enjoy every day, because you'll never have it again!

Okay. I plan to keep these promises to myself! (: I'm so excited for this semester! It's going to be so much fun. Thank you God for my great classes and great teachers!
love, me.

And you're not discreet

"I'm missing your laugh
How did it break?
And when did your eyes begin to look fake?
I hope you're as happy as you 're pretending."
- Dashboard Confessionals

Size 2 jeans, here I come!

So I actually sat down today and watched an entire episode of the Biggest Loser. I gotta say, I'm so very inspired to loose weight now! A guy on there lost 30 pounds in a week! :O :O :O (okay, i know, he was like, 45o lbs. but still) how awesome is that!? I want to loose weight so bad. I miss my old size. (My size 2 jeans are still sitting in my closet, awaiting the day I can fit into them again)
Gaining 50 pounds because of having a baby sucks major. I used to be so skinny! I miss it! I'm taking Walk, Jog & Run class MWF so I hope to use this to my advantage to get in shape. Also, I hope to hit up the gym too. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that I loose weight before summer time. :D Yay!
Anyways, school is tomorrow (eek!) I'm scared. I hope I have fun people in my class and that I will bring my grades up. Lee County High School prepared me for absolutely nothing, so now I am making up for everything. sigh. Goodnight, world. Until next time!
love, me.

Here's to you, God

Dear God,
I've heard so much about Jet Travolta (sp?) and his death. Its all over the news. He was only 16, he was younger than me. It always freaks me out a little bit when someone younger than me dies. Not really sure why, maybe the fact that it could have happened to me? So sure, I don't have random seizures and all... but anything could happen. I could get in a car accident, my heart could stop beating, etc. Everything is precious, thank You God for letting me have this day. Thank You for letting me have all of the previous days of my life.
Its so sad knowing that his (Jet) life is over. However, it makes me sad knowing any life is over. So sure, I know, they get to come be with You. Lucky them, huh? But it still tends to make me sad. He won't get the opportunity to grow up, to get married, to have children, and to grow old. Yes, I know he will be happier up in Heaven with You... But it still makes me sad. I can't wait to do all of these things, and it breaks my heart knowing he won't ever have the chance to do so.
I remember on the drive up to Columbus, U2 (yes, I know, I'm lame) played on my ipod, their song Beautiful Day, and I rolled down my windows (going 65 mph, mind you) and the wind was blowing through my hair, and as I took in everything, I could feel You there. You're amazing, You really are. Little moments like that make me realize that I'm so greatful to know You. Thank You for everything You've ever given me, God. And thank You for everything I will recieve in the future. Thank You for every single breath I take, and for helping me through the harder parts in life. If I didn't have You, I'd never have made it this far.
You're amazing, and I love You. Just wanted You to know that, God. Even though You already knew that. Just figured I'd put that in writing... It works out better that way. :P
love, me.

To put grey in your life

Hello again,
I'd much rather sit here, hunched over my laptop then watch ATHF on TV. This show has gotten so stupid. Or have I grown up? It may as well be both.
I was thinking today about Ramsey, and what she told me. I love her dearly, she is one of my best friends. Some may not see it, but to me, she knows so much to be so young. I never think of things the way she does, and the other day, what she told me made perfect sense.
Life is black and white, or at least the boring, simple people feel that way. Black and white, plain and simple. Easy. You have to add grey (or color, whatever you'd prefer) in the lives of those who only want to see black and white, to make their lives more exciting. Some people were raised to believe that the only safe way out is to live in black and white. They are supposed to run away from things when life gets hard, when grey people come. How come they won't let the grey in? Let the color in? Don't they know that it would help them? Who wants to see life in black and white again when you've had the chance to see in color, or grey?
I'm that grey. I'm the color. Or at least I like to think of myself as that. Why is it that people shy away from me? They shy away from the color? Ramsey and I are so much alike, yet so different. I think things through, and she acts on impulse. But we've been through the same things, and we know and understand each other. She told me I was the grey, the color. I never really thought of myself this way. I am here to put color and excitement into other people's lives, God blessed me with this and so naturally I have to use it! I always pictured myself as having a black and white kind of life. But we only have one life, so shouldn't we live it to the fullest? We should be grey everyday!
50 years from now I want to look back and know that I tried my best, I lived my life the way God intended for me to do, and I make myself proud. I don't want to look back and think, "oh, well, maybe I should have taken up that opportunity and not go the predictable route."
The Curious Case of Benjamin Button was a life altering movie. One of those rare flicks that shakes you to your very core. A main quote in there was that our life is defined by the opportunities in it - the ones taken and the ones passed up. It made so much sense!

"maybe our mistakes are what make our fate. Without them, what would shape our lives? Perhaps if we never veered off course, we wouldn't fall in love, or have babies, or be who we are. After all, seasons change. So do cities. People come into your life and people go. But it's comforting to know the ones you love are always in your heart. And if you're very lucky, a plane ride away" - Carrie Bradshaw

Shush. I know I'm lame for quoting a SATC character (get used to it, you'll see this a lot) but I really do love this quote. It was in an episode I watched earlier that triggered this thought process.
There was an episode earlier in the series where Mr. Big was getting married to some plain girl he got with after he and Carrie broke up. When Carrie confronted him after their rehearsal dinner, she quoted an old movie saying, "Your girl is lovely, Hubble." and he responded with, "I don't get it." and she ended with saying "you never did!" and walked away. After that, he watched after her and she realized that maybe he wasn't the one who needed to be tamed, and perhaps he could never tame her, but she had to find someone just as wild to run with her. Why is it that everyone always settles for the black and white? the plain girl was the black and white, and Carrie was the grey. Was Big scared of Carrie? Were his feelings for her too overwhelming for him to handle? Perhaps he loved her so much he frightened himself? Perhaps he felt he had to live life more before he settled? Eventually he realized that the plain girl wasn't for him, and he and Carrie got together. (10 YEARS LATER!!) But why must people always have to be so stubborn and not except the grey when it first comes?
I think its all a growing thing. So yes, the grey/colorfulness is terribly overwhelming (frightening even), so the black and white must grow and learn about themselves before they can ever begin to take in the grey. I still think it is silly, but then again seeing color for the first time is overwhelming.
Ramsey fits the color description to a T. When she walks into a room, the whole room lights up. I wish sometimes I could be more like her. She is probably the most powerful person I've ever met. She says the same about me, but I don't see it. She told me of this grey/black/white world, and now when I see people and see things that happen to people, I think of that. Then I go into a coma of watching SATC for hours and it makes so much sense! Big was scared of Carrie! Why must guys always be so dumb? Honestly Big, you're retarded. Then again, for Big's arguement, he honestly had no clue what he had until she was gone.
I hope to put color in everyone's lives and change them forever. I know one day I'll find that special person who loves the color I bring and will treasure it forever. (whether I know him now, or not). I hope I color his black and white world and forever change him for the better. (whether I have already, or not).
So yeah, enough of me ranting. I think I'll go to sleep now. Evee is probably hating me now, for she has been on all day, poor dear.
Anyways, goodnight world. Until tomorrow or whenever the urge to write strikes me.
love, me.

Hello, hello lovely!

Hiiiiiiiii!
I've been meaning to start one of these for forever now. What better time than the very beginning of a new year that will be the starting year for the rest of my life. (:
I'm sitting on the floor of my bedroom on Evee (which is the name of my darling, yellow Dell laptop) typing this up because I just got the urge to do so. Cleaning my room is a daily ritual I must do everyday, mostly because it winds up messy every day. (thank you, darling daughter of mine). The last couple online journals, blogs, and so forth I've ever made ended on bad terms. So I figured this time I will write lovely things, things I'm curious about, things I'm thinking of, notes to God, and everything in between. I shan't write mean, hurtful things... but everything else! Optimisim is something I've developed over time, and I think it fits me better than being negative. Then again, it fits everyone better, not just me.
Anyways, enough about all this, I have to get back to cleaning my room. I've already organized my closet, which is the hardest part. (I need a bigger closet. I agree with Carrie Bradshaw when she told Big, "I don't need a diamond ring. Just get me a really big closet!" hopefully Future Fiance *insert ' above the 'e'*, whoever the lucky guy should be, will take that to heart. Plus a nice ring. :P )
Audios gatitos, until the next urge to write gets me!
oh, and P.S.:
Our cat, Fatty, died over the weekend. ): RIP Fatty!
love, me.